I don't like her

After having my second child (June, 2013), the Lord guided  me on a journey of deeper and richer self-discovery. He allowed me to understand some things about myself that have opened my eyes and have given me a better perspective. While doing what many people refer to as, "soul-searching", I discovered some realities that were painful to uncover, yet necessary.

So I started digging, beyond the layers of false personas and exhausting smiley faces and I found this little girl hiding within me. I examined her and discovered she was nothing like me, at least the me I am aspiring to be. She’s filled with fear. She’s loaded down with insecurities and burdened by the pursuit of perfection. I don’t like her. Yet, for so long she has been such a real part of me. I've given so much power to this little girl, enough to allow her to even dictate my actions and decisions. I don’t like her, yet I listened to her. She’s afraid of everything, because that’s what she has been taught to be.  She has learned early to not trust anyone, don’t let people in and always be on guard. She’s afraid of everything.

 I don’t like her.

I found her hiding in the deep dark corners of myself. I found her through searching for answers of how I got to the place of clouded judgment and an anxiety stricken mind. I found her while searching for an explanation for the constant and persistent vivid and powerfully real images that plagued my mind all day. I found her while trying to medicate her with natural remedies, self-help books, devotions, scriptures, and journals. I found her while searching for a reason to live, a reason to carry-on with life. 

I found her and I don’t like her, but  for so long I thought I needed her.

I gave her the incapable task of protecting me from everything that she so intensely and specifically fears. I needed her to think of everything and to think of strategies to cope.

I don’t like her, but I lived with her for too long.  I can’t get rid of her; she is such a real part of me. Who am I without her? These were my thoughts when I found her, but soon I realized I could never be more unless I let her go. She had to go, no longer was she welcome. 

A while ago, one of my best friends was reading a book that made a very profound declaration: The old self will fight the new self. The old self will die hard.  This assertion is rooted in Biblical truth, (Galatians 5:17) and it couldn't be a more accurate statement to describe what I was going through. I believe that when you are deciding to let go of your past, let go of your habits, let go of the person hiding inside of you and embrace the new self, the one that is fully operating in the Holy Spirit, the old self is going to give you a fight. It won't be easy. It will be a battle, and the battle doesn't stop. There's an on-going battle going on with the spirit and the flesh, but the good news: God is on our side. The good thing is I don’t have to fight alone; in fact, this battle is not mine. I just have to surrender, yet for me, that was the hard part.  

My perspective of what totally surrendering to God actually means has shifted. I understand that totally surrendering to God means I fully trust God. It means I know deep down inside that He is working things out for my behalf. I used to believe the lie that was rooted in fear: trusting God means this or that bad thing will happen. So, the old me cried out, “don’t trust God, instead continue to hold on to that false sense of security that keeps you from growing closer to God. Because being too close to God means this or that and you don’t want this or that. So, get close enough to know Him, but nothing more.” The old me failed to understand that regardless of what I do, nothing catches God by surprise. He is sovereign and in control, not me. He guides me and protects me. Trusting God means that I do not have to live a life coated in worry, fear and anxiety, but that I can be free. Free from the bondage that many of us struggle with daily. We are free, when we accept Christ we are made free (Galatians 5:1).

Let's Pray together:
Dear Heavenly Father, Thank you for sending your son Jesus Christ to die for me so that I may be reconciled with you and be made free. I ask that you will forgive me for refusing to operate fully in that freedom and for believing the lies that I've been told. I ask that you will help me to deny my fleshly desires and to submit my will and my life to you-daily. I pray that you will place people in my life that will encourage me as I continue on walk with you. I desire to be closer to you and sometimes it is hard to see beyond my circumstances. So, I ask that you will help me to keep my eyes on you. May you help me to uncover anything that I may be hiding from you or that I may be doing that is not glorifying you. May you help me to give those things to you and never retrieve them again. In Jesus name, Amen.

Let's Reflect:
Have you embarked of on a journey of deeper and richer self-discovery? What has God revealed to you?
Do you have any habits, beliefs, thoughts, behaviors and perspectives that are contrary to the Word of God? Ask God to help you to uncover anything that does not glorify Him.

Let's live out our faith: If you prayed the above prayer and God revealed anything in your life that does not glorify Him, then ask God to help you identify how you may rid your life of whatever does not reflect His love. If God placed a person on your heart, consider spending time praying for that person and reach out to them to let them know you are lifting them up in prayer.

Did this reading bless you today? If so, please share it with a friend.