What are chasing?

I used to speak my aspirations into the air with hopes that someone was listening out there. I used to inhale hope and exhale inspiration. I used to do a lot of thinking and believing. I used to have hope in a future, bright and full. I used to believe that I was capable. I used to believe my dreams were living inside of me waiting to be born into reality. I used to go drifting into a realm of endless possibilities and lifeless insecurities.

 I used to dream. 

 I used to think nothing was too big, too hard-- too impossible for me.

Then, life settled into the cracks of my insecurities. I grew numb and faint.

I was doing everything I could to just survive.  Like a robot, I moved from one moment in time to the next, hoping He wouldn't ask me for more.  I didn't want more. More meant trying and I was tired of trying. More meant I couldn't give up, though I so desperately wanted to let go.  

But, He wouldn't let me let go.

I survived the battle of my life, twice, surely I must do more.

Then, life settled in deeper into the cracks of my insecurities: You've tried so many things and so many things have added up to:

Not. Many. Things.

And when God would speak to me, it was heard as faintly as whispers in the hurricane. That hurricane was a whirlwind of confusing thoughts and insecurities. But, as I began digging deeper into my soul and searching within myself I experienced a deeper understanding of why and how I used to dream.

God revealed a pattern in my dreams and the pursuit to achieve them. Each sparked in response to a void felt in my flesh and each were energized and motivated by worldly gains & accomplishments.  Even the desire to be needed by others, pleasing and satisfying to others, was an inward longing crying out from a malnourished spirit: A spirit that did not fully operate in the truth that God's grace is sufficient. When the flesh is craving for more from man, the spirit is crying out for more of God. When the flesh longs to feel needed the spirit is yearning to commune with God. When the flesh wants to feel useful, the spirit is crying out to be used by God and for God’s purpose. When the flesh is yearning to greedily gather worldly possessions, the spirit is bankrupt in obedience. When the flesh is driven to accomplish much to gain the approval of man, the spirit is unaligned with the will of the Father. We can have great dreams and goals, but if they are not from God and if they do not glorify God, they will not accomplish what we set out for them to fulfill in our lives. (Galatians 5:16-17)

I used to want to be a creative writer. But, the pursuit of monetary gain became a distraction. So, I ignored the faint whispering in the hurricane. I ignored the truth that my dreams were about me, not about Him. My dreams, selfless at times, were me-centered, not God-centered. Even today, I still aspire to be the best, but not because I think I’m better, I simply want to be my best.  I still desire to be needed, wanted, valued and pursued. And in the past, I crafted and designed dreams in an effort to fulfill those desires.

I used to believe that if I prayed loud enough and worked hard enough, then my dreams would fulfill those inward desires.  But, MY aspirations were actually my soul crying out in desperation for more of God and less of my dreams.  I desired my dreams to quench a thirst in my spirit that could only be nourished by in-taking the living water: Christ. I was so used to operating within the confines of my dreams that my spiritual perspective was a bit foggy. 

I've always fashioned my dreams around my skills and interest, then I would pray that God would position me and grant me the opportunities to achieve my dreams. But, this time it’s different. This time, I stood still for a moment, long enough to hear the quiet-still voice of God.

And, then it happened.  

I began to draw near to God and the foggy-faint vision of God's will became clearer. I could hear Him calling me and bringing me closer to Him, but moving closer to God meant moving away from MY dreams. My dreams weren't His dreams for my life, at least not in the fashion that I was attempting to pursue them.  And even worse, My dreams had evolved into my distractions. I found myself in a place of frustration, disappointment and confusion. I knew I needed to reevaluate everything I was pursuing and decide if I was chasing God or chasing a man-made dream. So, I let go of everything and I fully surrendered. I gave every ounce of me to God and said, “Here I am; here’s my life—it is yours, use it as you will”.

But, it hurts.

Letting go of something that I thought I wanted, I knew I wanted, is not a gratifying or comforting feeling--initially.  But, when there's a  peace that surpasses all understanding that settles into the cracks of your insecurities and a confidence that arises from following God's purpose, then it ignites the soul to cry out: YES, Lord! That encounter, that experience, that life-changing moment trumps any bit of anguish or upset from stepping out of one chapter of your life and walking boldly into the the next.  I strongly believe that if it’s not what God wants for us, then our spirits will never be at peace with it—no matter how hard we try.

Yet, I still find myself feeling uneasy and uncomfortable. This is such a new and unfamiliar place, but I know I am not alone and I find peace in that. I believe He is using me. I still dream, but this time my dreams are not what my flesh desires, but what my soul craves: to obey God, to  honor God and to operate in the Holy Spirit. My dreams aren't crafted and designed by me this time  

I prayed first, waited and prayed again until I heard the clear call from God. I prayed to God and He answered me: write. 

Let's Pray
Dear Heavenly Father, Thank you for being so gentle and tender with my heart. Thank you for allowing me to experience the love and grace that you extend to me. I ask that you will help me to bring every bit of myself to you everyday, so that you may have your way in me. I ask that you will help me to see the areas of my life that you are calling me to surrender and I ask that you will help me have the strength and desire to do so. And Father, I pray that you will help me to identify anything in my life that does not bring you glory and will you give me the wisdom and the strength to do with it what you will have for me do. I thank you now in advance for blessing me  with the courage to live out your will for my life. In Jesus name, Amen.

Let's Reflect
Do you feel God speaking to your spirit about something He desires for you to do?

Are you chasing God or man-made dreams?


Let's 'Live Out' Our Faith
God is speaking to all of us, but are we really listening?  Take a moment today to spend time in prayer with God.  Spend time praying and mediating so you can allow God to hear your heart and to speak to your heart.

If this blessed you, please share it with another sister.