10 Day Beauty Quest, Day 6...meet me at the new site

I have great news. My new website is up and ready for you to explore: www.FaviasFaith.com. Please come to the new website for Day 6!

www.FaviasFaith.com

Come on, let's go right now.

10 Day Beauty Quest: Day 5

I've been reading a lot about beauty lately and I am ready to get right in to our quest for today. This one is really simple too by the way.

Read:
Today's Scriptures:

By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another. John 12:35

 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues,they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. 1 John 4:8

Reflection

We previously examined our dependence on one another as being members of the body of Christ. We must look beyond the physical and press on so we can work together in spreading the gospel. We can not allow our physical appearances work against us and create distractions. But, we cannot work together and truly shine a light in this dark world if we do not love one another. Yet, we cannot love anyone, including ourselves if we do not love God, because God IS love. 

I think many get confused when it comes to understanding love and what it really means to love someone. If we want the true and real meaning of love, then we must go to our word and read 1 Corinthians 13:4-8. And after reading this beautiful illustration of love, we will immediately discover that love is not simple, easy or an emotion. Love is a commitment and is not self-seeking, and because God is Love,  therefore we must begin to know God and experience Him for ourselves before we can ever truly love anyone. 

How do get to know God? 

How do we experience Him for ourselves? 

We make must be intentional and we must make it personal. 

We must make God a priority by committing to spend time with Him in prayer, meditation, studying the word, worship, praise and simply being open to hear and obey Him. We cannot make our relationship with God based on what others have told us about their relationship with God, though it is encouraging, yet we still have to make our relationship personal. We have to experience God’s hand and see His work in our lives to truly have a genuine connection with Him. The more we grow and the closer we grow to God the better we will be able to understand love. The more we understand love the more capable we become to give love to ourselves and to others. But, it all begins with God.

Reinforce:

Take a moment and spend some extra quality time with God. Talk to Him. Be silent and listen. Sing, write, dance, simply enjoy His presence.

10 Day Beauty Quest-Day 4

We're almost are the half-way mark and I hope you a finding this quest to be helpful. I know I am being blessed by it, so for that I am thankful. Let's get to it!

Read:
Today's Scripture: 1 Corinthians 12:27

Now you are the body of Christ and individually members of it.

Reflection:
Many of us know that we can usually get much more accomplished when we work together. The natural body is the same way. In order to work properly each feature of the body must perform it's unique function and work collectively with the other members. The same is also true for the body of Christ, in order for us to work effectively in preaching the Gospel of Jesus Christ and to be Christian's working to shine a light in this dark world we must work together. We know that God is a God of order and peace, thus there must be that same order and peace in the body of Christ in order to bring glory to God. Therefore, we must be willing to be focused on our spiritual tasks and our purpose of serving God much more than our physical body.  We can not allow our physical appearance be a distraction from serving and honoring God. And we can not allow the physical appearance of others work as a distraction for us either. It doesn't matter if we judge too harshly or admire too intensely the physical appearance of another, each can be an distraction because our focus can be misdirected. Yes, we must take care of our physical and yes it is healthy to feel good about the skin we're in, but we must not place too much significance on those feelings.  We can not take too much time measuring ourselves up to cultural standards and doing the same for others. It is very easy to slide down a   very slippery slop of comparison and insecurities. We can also get lost in misjudging others before we have an opportunity to learn what role they play in the body of Christ. Sometimes it is easy to disregard someone if they do not appear to fit a particular image. Thus, it is crucial that we look much beyond the outward, because our purpose is designed within us.  We all have a unique, yet a collective function and it is our responsibility as Christians to work together. But, we can't do that if we continue to allow physical appearances distract us, divide us or discourage us. We are all members of the body of Christ, each of us has a purpose. 

Reinforce:
I believe we each have a purpose that is complex, dynamic, evolving and meaningful. We have multiple purposes through out life, but they all reside under the same category of glorifying God. Describe a specific purpose in your life and how you need others in order to achieve it. Have you encountered any disorder or strife while trying to live-out your purpose, if so what was the source? How did you overcome? Are you working to maintain order and peace in the body of Christ or have you allowed yourself to be a distraction? If so, what is your plan to work towards edifying the body of Christ? 


Come back Monday for day 5 and remember to share this with someone today. 

10 Day Beauty Quest-Day 3

Let's get right to it today. If you are new, please catch up on the series by reading the previous post.

Read:
Today's Scripture: Romans 12:2

Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect (Romans 12:2).

Reflection:

This scripture can be applied to so many areas of our culture that are drenched in sin and darkness. Today, I would encourage you to reject the cultural standards of physical beauty and the emphasis that is placed on obtaining such beauty, but instead embrace the true beauty of knowing our identity in Christ. By knowing that we are created in God's image and that we are made new when we accept Jesus into our lives allows us to go beyond the outward expressions of beauty.  It allows us to let go of our old-sinful nature, our guilt, our pain and to begin living a new life, one with purpose and direction. It allows us to begin the healing process from the hurt from the past and to day-by-day embrace the new self.  It allows us to be confident and to have a sense of belonging, thus the search to be accepted by others seems futile. It is so important that we focus on the inward-spiritual self, as that is how we grow in our relationship with God. As this scripture boldly proclaims, we must be transformed by the renewing of the mind, thus we must remove from our mindset the many lies we've believed for so long about ourselves and our worth.  A true transformation does not involve hair, makeup and a new outfit, but instead a new mind--one that is focused on serving God. 

But, how do we do this?  This is where the power of prayer and the Holy spirit have a very significant role in our loves. Through prayer we are able to communicate with God and with the Holy spirit we are able to communicate what our minds can't find the words to say. The Holy spirit will begin to minister to us to help us take on a new way of thinking. We may be guided to scriptures, sermons, a spiritual adviser, books or we may hear the direction in our spirit, or a combination of things.  The key is we must have a mind that is clear and focused on God so we may be able to obtain focus in our lives, therefore we will be able to understand His will and ultimately please God by living in His purposeful will. 

Reinforce:

The renewing of the mind is not a one-day, one-step process but a daily commitment to seeking God and asking Him to guide your mind, your thoughts and even your desires. What have you been thinking about lately? Have you entertained thoughts lately that are contrary to the will of God--what is good and acceptable and perfect? Have you thought ill of someone? Have you judged yourself too harshly? Have you called yourself names, ugly, fat, unworthy of love, stupid, etc? Maybe you haven't done any of this out loud, but maybe you've thought it. Or maybe, you have accepted the world's standards of beauty and found that you don't measure up exactly, now what? Consider today a fresh start to begin rejecting those beauty standards and instead begin building a stronger relationship with God, as true beauty is in the spirit not the physique. 

10 Day Beauty Quest, Day 2

If you are new or missed day one of this 10-day beauty quest, please read the previous day to catch up. It won't take up much of your time.

Read:
Today's Scripture: 2 Corinthians 5:17

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come" 2 Corinthians 5:17.

You see, when sin entered into the world we became tainted; sin separated us from God. But, we were reconciled through the blood of Christ Jesus, thus when we have accepted him into our lives and declared him as our Lord and Savior we have been made new. We are no longer separated from God, we are no long slaves to sin, but we are made free. We are a new creation. There's nothing ordinary about us, in fact because of Christ and his power that is in us we are extraordinary. And maybe you are still hanging on to the old self, the one that has passed away-the dead rotting corpse that needs to be tossed aside, the one that constantly accuses you and weighs you down with guilt, defeat and shame. The one that listens to the lies of the enemy and begs you to confirm to the ways of the world. Or, just maybe, you are holding on to old habits, faulty mindsets and destructive behaviors. If you are in Christ, you must declare today to let it all go, it's dead and you are a new creation. You are free, walk in your freedom today. But remember, because we are a new creation we still have to deal with the hurt and the pain of the past. We can seek God for guidance on how to move pass the pain and heal. He wants us to experience peace in our lives and He can guide us every step of the way. 

Reflection:
(If you have not accepted Jesus into your life, but wish to be saved, please see the prayer list below and then come back to this question).
What things in your life passed away when you became a new creation in Christ? Are you still holding on to any of those things? Are you allowing them to dictate any area in your life? Why or why not?

Reinforce: 
Step 1. We all have areas in our lives that can be strengthened by the word of God and His mighty power. Take a moment to examine yourself and identify a specific area in your life--a behavior, way of thinking/mindset, habit, personality trait, etc that is in need of strengthening. Be honest with yourself, this is between you and God--unless you want to share it with someone else. Maybe you struggle with being honest, or selfishness, lust, or maybe you struggle with being faithful in tithing. You know the area in your life, so take a moment to write it down and reflect on it. List a few details as to how this area in your life is affects you, your family, friends, church and/or community, how long you have struggles with this area in your life, past (if any) attempts to grow or change in this area and why you believe you struggle in this area. What is the Lord trying to reveal to you through this area in your life?

Step 2. Now, take the word of God and explore what it says about that specific area in your life. You  can use the internet and find scriptures from the Bible that are applicable just by typing, "what does the bible say about (you fill in the blank). This is your opportunity to grow and become stronger in Christ, thus more beautiful.

Want to accept Christ into your life?
Have you accepted Christ as your Lord and Savior. If not, but you would like to then please take a moment and say this prayer with me: Dear Lord, I declare today that I need you in my life. My life is nothing without you. I confess that I have sinned and I ask for your grace to forgive me. I need your grace and your mercy today. I believe that you sent your your Son Jesus Christ to die on the cross for me and to save my soul. I believe that you raised him from the day to reconcile me to you.  I accept him into my heart today and ask that you take over my life. I surrender it all to you today. Lord, this is new to me and I know I will make mistakes, but I ask that you will guide me and help me to stay on track with you. I thank you for loving me and I thank you for who you are. I praise your name today and forever in Jesus name I pray, Amen.

10 Day Beauty Quest-Day 1

This beauty quest is not about committing to do a cinnamon and honey facial mask (I do love this mask though) every night while you give your hair a luscious deep conditioning treatment and your feet a well-deserved soothing soak. This beauty quest is about debunking the cultural superficial standards of beauty by embracing true beauty. If you are new here, please take a moment to read part 1 and part 2 of the "I want to be beautiful" series, as it sets the tone for this beauty quest.  You don't need any fancy products, tools or a wealth of time. You simply need an open heart and mind with a willingness and desire to have a better self-image and greater confidence of who you in Christ. Each day will be broken up into three R's: Read, Reflect and Reinforce. So, let's get started.

Read:

Today's scriptures: Ephesians 4:24 & Genesis 1:27

"And to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness" Ephesians 4:24. 

"So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them" Genesis 1:27.

Think about this for a moment, we-you and I are created in the likeness, the image of the one true God. We are created in the image of the creator, the Alpha and the Omega--this is not to be taken lightly. Yet, I believe many of us forget just how wonderful of a creation God designed us to be. And the best part, we were designed to glorify Him. We were designed to worship, praise and honor God with all that we have. What a marvelous, glorious design that we are--a child of God. 

Now, think for moment, children of celebrities may often feel incredibly special to be the offspring of such greatness. They have access to unbelievable resources and have the potential to have great influence. Prince and princesses may feel honored to have royalty streaming through their blood. But, yet this feeling of uniqueness and prestige weigh nothing compared to the reality that we are created in the image of God. It doesn't get any better than that. 

And even more so, we must remember that when we accept Jesus Christ as our Lord and Savior we are now a peculiar-chosen people, "But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God's special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light (Peter 2:9). 

Reflection:

Take the remainder of the day to meditate on the truth that we are created in the image of God. Examine the word of God to identify 3 or more characteristic of God and begin to ponder what it means to be created in the image of a God who possess such traits. For example: in 1 Corinthians 14:33 the Bible illustrates that God is a God of order and peace. How affirming it is to know that we too can have order and peace in our lives because the God who created us in His image can guide us to experiencing it our lives. 

Reinforce: 

This is your call to action. Identify a characteristic or a trait that you do not like about yourself and write in your journal why. Then find a scripture that speaks life and encouragement for you. For example, I struggle with accepting my body, I never seem to be satisfied because in my mind I want to look more like someone else. I used to believe that my confidence would stem from my physical image, but I've learned that is a lie and that my confidence comes in knowing who I am in Christ. And because the word says my body is a temple for the Holy Spirit, then that means my body is powerful, purposeful and beautiful because of what God placed within me. Regardless of my appearance, I can be confident in knowing that God saw fit to use my body as the temple for His holy spirit, and He does the same for all us. And I can have confidence in knowing that anything I do to honor and glorify God is all because of Him. Now that is a body to be proud of and a body to treat with respect. 

If this has blessed you in anyway, please share it with someone. I would love to hear your feedback, so please feel free to open up and share. If you can't comment on blogger for technical issues, please send me an e-mail at theprayingsister@gmail.com. I want to hear from you. 

See you tomorrow for Day 2. 

I want to be beautiful, Part 2

I believe beauty starts on the inside. It starts with our spirit. The word says, "Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious 1 Peter 3:3-4".  I want a beautiful spirit. I want to define my beauty by the nature of my heart and the connection my spirit has with God. 

I want to see myself through the eyes of God.

I want to measure myself up to God's standards and not the grossly superficial standards of my culture. I can do this if I bury deep within myself and profess the truth of what the word of God says about me. And even though my flesh cries out, "that's not enough, you must transcribe to the cultural standards of beauty": the standards that are illustrated through the images plastered through out our society that claim to define a universal beauty. The standards that attempt to cloud my perspective and shift my thinking into believing that my physical appearance is what matters most.  The standards that demonize us if we have a physical appearance that does not reflect what our culture defines as beautiful and tempts us to feel less than beautiful because of it.  The standards that leave many of us feeling, if only I changed this or that about myself, then and only then will I be beautiful, confident and have a great self-esteem. The standards that give us a false and cheap imitation of true beauty.

I want to reject these standards as they do not glorify God, instead that promote a faulty way of thinking that is destructive and damaging. This faulty way of thinking does not produce a healthy self-esteem, because it is placed upon a unstable-shaky foundation that will crumble in time, "Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised" Proverbs 31:30.  Thus, we must base our self-esteem and our confidence on who we are in Christ, not upon what others say we are or are not.

I want my self-esteem to shine bright because of who I am in Christ, not what I look like. I want to define my beauty by what I do to honor God with my life, not by what size pants I can squeeze into after having two children. I want to define my beauty by how I treat people and how I care for others. I don't ever want to look at myself with the harsh-critical eyes that immediately gravitate to features that others define as less than, instead I want to find the beauty in every ounce of me and I want to do the same for others. But, how do I get there? How do I get to a place of loving the skin I'm in while feeding my soul? Can I be aware of my physical appearance and not consumed by it? Can I define beauty without describing anything in the physical, but yet only focusing on the spiritual? I believe yes, but I have to do some digging within myself to recognize  just how I got to this awful place of low-self image.

How and what people think of me is at the root of it all. There were so many things I didn't like about myself because someone told me I shouldn't, and I believed them. We may not have the childish bullies poking fun of our so-called flaws as we did when we were younger, but we have an even bigger bully now, one that is bold and relentless.

Just take a stroll down the check-out line, flick through the channels of TV, scroll through social media, listen to the radio, all of them tell us the same thing:  your worth is defined by the skin you're in, so be sure to make sure it looks good. How do I know? From the night creams that promise youthful skin to the diet pills that ensure fast and long-lasting results, all designed to help us achieve a desired physical appearance. Beauty is  . awarded, admired and desired. So much so that beautiful people are generally more successful than unattractive people. No wonder so many of us spend a life time trying to perfect our physical. I believe as a woman, there are many of us that share in this desire to to be beautiful. In a lifetime, many of us spend thousands of dollars on our hair, skin and makeup. We stay up-to-date with current fashion trends and we spend hours working on our fitness, because we want to look good. We want to be beautiful. But, I believe we have been lied to for so long that we don't even notice that beauty, real beauty has nothing to do with our physical appearance.

Yes, the human body is a wonderful piece of art designed by God and yes we are created in His marvelous image. We must never forget that. But, to be created in His marvelous image is much deeper than our physical. We must also never forget that in the word God tells us that it does us no good to gain the world and lose our soul. We can have all of what our culture tells us is beautiful, but if we do not have a beautiful soul, one that is in a passionate relationship with the Father, then we have nothing. The most beautiful physical designs of the human body are underneath our skin.Our genes, veins, vital organs and our brain are all buried within us, yet when one is not working as it should we often see it on the outside and without them we would be nothing. I believe this is a strong parallel to the beauty of our soul. Our soul lives within our body, our temple, and without a healthy-thriving soul we are nothing.  When our spirit is not right with God we see it in our physical, such as how we treat others and  how we treat ourselves. So, shouldn't we be focused on the beauty of our soul and not our flesh? Our flesh will one day pass away and yet our soul will carry-on

So, come with me on a 10 day beauty quest of reclaiming for yourself what God says about you and regain the confidence you deserve by understanding and celebrating the identity you have in Christ.  Come back tomorrow for day one of the 10 day beauty quest.

I want to be beautiful, Part 1

Raise your hand if you have ever struggled with low self-esteem or poor self-image?  (You can put your hand down now). I've spent over half of my life unsatisfied in the skin I'm in. As long as I can remember, I wanted something about my physical to be different, better.

When I was younger, I had a serious unhealthy image of my caramel-mocha complexion. I didn't notice my complexion was considered less-than attractive, until I was teased and taunted because of it. And there I was this little girl uncomfortable in her own skin. I was in elementary school when I began down the path of self-hate. I used to waste countless minutes of every day wishing to have a fairer complexion. I wanted to have a complexion like my sister or my dad or even the shade of the inside of my forearm would do. Anything but mocha-caramel--that color to me was not pretty and I was that color, thus I was not pretty. I was convinced that I would feel better about myself if only my skin was lighter. I hated my skin. It didn't matter how much my parents tried to tell me otherwise, it was my peers opinions that mattered more to me than anyone. And so it began: the over valuing of the opinions of one's peers.  And I embarked on this incredibly lengthy journey of self-hate.

When I was a little girl I really wanted to be thinner. I remember being teased because my frame wasn't as small as my female counterparts. I just wanted to be like them.  They were pretty and appeared to be happy. And no, I was not this sad little kid with no friends, I had friends and I had a happy childhood. But, if we are to talk about how I perceived my beauty, or the lack there of, it would be safe to say that I was struggling. The struggle only got worse as I grew older as my feet pattered against the trial glazed in tears of self-hate.

By the time I was in high school I had an entire arsenal of features that I desired to change about myself. 

Let's see..
I didn't like my flat behind and neither did any of the boys and girls that seemed to make it the butt (no pun intended) of their cruel jokes. I hated my behind. My feet pattered further down this path of self-hate.

I didn't like my hair, I wanted a relaxer--all the pretty girls wore relaxers, instead I had the natural hair(which is celebrated and admired more now than I've ever experienced in my life time) that when straightened mimicked a relaxer. But I didn't dare want to get it wet or it was going back to it's curly state and none of the pretty girls wore their hair naturally curly, so I didn't want to either. I hated my hair. My feet pattered further down this path of self-hate.

I hated my dark circles under my eyes. I have been teased about those too many times and to this day I can remember some of the very specific mean words that spewed out like hot lava on my broken self-esteem. The last time I checked no one wants to be compared to a raccoon, no one ever desires to look like that animal. I hated my dark circles. My feet pattered further down this path of self-hate.

I didn't like my lips, they were too big and I was tired of being sexually harassed because of the size of my lips and what boys claimed that I should do with them. I hated my lips. My feet pattered further down this path of self-hate.

I didn't like my large,' man hands' or my wide-big feet.  I hated my hands and my feet. My feet pattered further down this path of self-hate.

I didn't like my calves, they were too big. I hate my calves. My feet pattered faster and further down this path of self-hate.

I didn't like my arms. They had stretch marks on them and I wish to forget being told something along these lines: "I would never wear my arms out. I wouldn't want anyone to see those (referring to my stretch marks)." So, I found myself incredibly aware of them and I worked really hard to hide my arms if I were ever wearing a shirt that would reveal them. I hated my arms. My feet pattered faster and further down this path of self-hate. 

I hated my body, it didn't have an hourglass shape and it was not a size small enough to be classified as beautiful, at least not by my standards that were laced in the faulty images engraved in our culture. I hated my body. My feet lifted and jolted down this road of self-hate. I was so far down this road that there wasn't much left about my physical to hate.

As I think of it, there wasn't much that I liked about my physical appearance, as a result I had an incredibly poor self-image and self-esteem. But, very few people knew it, because I was that good at hiding it. I pretended to be confident because I didn't want anyone to notice that I didn't like myself. I didn't want to draw that type of attention to myself, so I pretended to feel confident and pretty, yet I hated so much about myself. I was hurting because each time I glanced in the mirror I could never find beauty. And even if for a moment I identified something to like, I could immediately pick out several things to hate.

I can not remember a time, ever--when I really loved the skin I was in, possibly because no such time has ever existed, not even now. And even though many of the features I once hated and wished were different I've come to accept and even love, yet, there's still this feeling deeply rooted within me of physical inadequacy. I'm constantly feeling like I don't measure up to someone else's standards of beauty. For so long I have never felt beautiful, but at some point you reach a place where you want better. You want better for yourself.

I want better for myself.

I want to live by a new, more accurate definition of beauty. I want to stop obsessing about my physical image and be consumed with my spiritual body.For once, I want to look in the mirror and point out every beautiful feature God designed within me, instead of noticing anything that I classify as a flaw. I want to tell my son and my daughter to love their bodies and to love everything God created about them, while also believing it about myself.

I want to be their role model.

And though they are still young, I have to start now. I have to redefine for myself what true beauty means and strive to obtain it.

Come back tomorrow for part two as I discuss real beauty and for the announcement of an exciting 10-day quest. 

It's not too late, Part Two

When I went back to school for the first semester after having my son the harsh reality of the balancing act of life, family,school and work slapped me in the face.  And because I’m the type of student that weighs anything less than an A as unsatisfactory, I forced myself to uphold these self-established standards of success, even though life was completely different for me now. My picture of what life was suppose to be like after having a baby was vastly different than my reality and I soon realized that my little fantasy world was falling apart and so was I.

I knew I had to make another choice. I knew that I had to decide if I was willing to pay the cost necessary to have it all. Was I willing to let something go to grasp a hold of MY plan and my agenda? Was I willing to sacrifice me being an active part of my child's precious childhood for MY pursuit of happiness? Was I willing to miss watching him grow up while being engrossed with my landmark achievements? I knew that the road I was on was not going to allow enough room for me to be the type of mother I desired to be, so I knew I had to make a choice: what do I give up in order to gain back my family and my sanity. Something had to give and it couldn't be my family.

Some women are able to balance life, family, work and all their commitments just fine and remain sane, but I wasn't one of those women, and I still am not. I applaud every woman that figures out how to keep all the areas in her life balanced, because it is not easy and it is a daily task that involves frequent reevaluation.  I know for me that my balancing act was failing and I had to make a choice. But, even after I decided that I would pursue my Master's degree at another time in my life and that my business would have to wait, I still continued on my journey of trying to obtain achievement. I was trying to satisfy the fleshly craving to be validated by tangible accomplishments, thus the drive for success and perfection fed this craving. Yet, I was never satisfied. I understand now that the flesh will crave things that glorify man while the soul will crave what glorifies God. And the more I feed my soul the less influence I can allow my flesh to have over my life.
  

And even though I decided to put my Master’s degree on hold and set my business aside for a several  months, because I realized those things could wait and that my son wouldn't, yet I was still  trying to achieve something, just as I was before: perfection. And  in my pursuit of perfection I was crumbling to pieces. I was stressed. I was suffering from postpartum depression and anxiety and life was zooming right by.  And though I enjoyed many, many, many amazing moments, I endured many dark and painful ones too.  I had a lot of moments where I felt like I was not measuring up and I allowed my self-established standards to hold me captive, and when I missed the mark (which I did quite often because the standards were so unattainable), I felt defeated. I set myself up to lose, but I didn't realize it.  

Children grow up so fast and I know everyone says that, but I didn't get it at first. I didn't realize that I would look back on the first year of my son’s life and cry because I was trying to be too much—perfection was my pursuit. I went from trying to achieving business and educational goals to winning wife and mother of year. I was trying to please myself, my husband, my son and impress everyone else, yet I failed to notice that all my efforts were meaningless if God was not at the center. 

I can be the first to admit that I love God, but I wanted to keep the power of the Holy spirit contained. I wanted God to have His way in me, but only to a certain extent. But, because God is who He says He is, He didn't allow me to stay in this place of misguided devotion. As I grew in my faith and as I realized that I was chasing things and not God, God helped me gain a new perspective. I understand now that the pursuit for perfection defined by worldly standards is a quest that will lead to a frequent disappointment, frustration and despair. Yet a pursuit of a life-long healthy and thriving relationship with the Father will lead to an abundant-fulling life. We gain so much by being in a relation with God. A loving relationship with God is how I learn to love others and how to live an abundant life, a devotion to serving God and honoring Him with my life is truly living. 

And I don't hit the mark every day or every hour, I still have to keep my fleshly desires of perfection in check. It's hard for me because I'm so driven, but this driven nature is what keeps me close to God. I know that I am right where God wants me to be and I am so thankful. And yes, I find myself drifting back  to my old perfectionist-mindset, almost daily, yet I can easily identify it and shift my perspective. This is not the case in every area of my life and we will talk about that later, but I'm just so thankful that God is so tender and patient, because I will never be perfect and God tells me that He loves me each and every day. That's enough for me, that more than enough.  

So, how did I get to this place?  I finally grew tired.  I grew tired of thinking I needed to be perfect all time and to everyone. It’s exhausting and unrealistic. God doesn't require it and neither should I.  I’m letting go of my ridiculous expectations one-by-one.  It’s a painful process at times. It’s requiring me to dig deep and to surrender it all. It’s requiring me to measure all of my ambitions, my goals and dreams to God’s will and not my self-established standards. And because I want to be completely devoted in my marriage, because I don’t want to look back on my children’s lives through teary eyes of regret,  because I want a life that mirrors the one God designed for me, because I want to honor God with my life,  I’m choosing to let these worldly standards go.  I'm choosing to be free of  the bondage. I'm choosing God, so I choose freedom. 

My choices and my path are different than yours and your family, but the key is for all of us to evaluate our walk and determine if we are aligning our path with the one God is calling us to follow.

As long as I’m still breathing—it’s not too late. 

As long as your heart is still beating and you have a desire to chase God—it’s not too late.

Do you feel like your balancing act is stumbling? Are there things on your agenda and in your life plan that do not align with God's will? Have you sought God for guidance? Are you waiting for confirmation in an area in your life that you need to hear from God before you can make a move? 

God wants to meet you just where you are. Go to Him today and ask Him to reveal His plan for you and to help you to see it clearly, one moment at a time. Ask God to help you to align your heart's desires with His will for your life. 

It's not too late, Part One

This life is packed with a lot of opportunities, some good, some bad and some great. We have a lot of choices and every day, whether we like it or not we make decisions. There’s something about the process of decision making that is very intriguing. Some of us weigh what we perceive as all our options, all the pros and cons and then we decide. Some of us don’t think about anything or anyone and just decide. While others are somewhere in between, but we all make choices. So, when I became pregnant with my first born I had a big choice to make: would I stay home or go back to work?

A lot of women feel like they wish they even had that choice, because the option of staying home wasn't available, feasible or favorable…or possibly even desirable.  And even though our financial comfort zone was at stake with the decision to stay home or go back to work, I still had a choice—a decision had to be made.

Let me tell you a little bit about myself to help you understand how difficult this choice became for me:

I’m a very driven, self-motivated and determined person. I've accomplish quite a bit in my 20 something years on this earth. I had achieved worldly standards of success, I knew how to make goals and achieve goals to reap tangible rewards. I didn't know how or what success could be measured from a stay-at-home mom, I thought surely I must do much, much more.  Staying at home with my son didn't seem like it would get me any set of accolades or trophies to set on my book shelves. Yet, I knew I wanted to be a mother capable of caring for my family in a fashion that working out-side the home wouldn't allow, so staying at home seemed right for me —but it didn't feel possible. How exactly could we go  from two incomes to one when we established our financial obligations on two incomes. Hmmm…it wasn't looking like much of a choice anymore. But, I decided to pray.

I knew that staying at home to raise my child was what my heart most desired, but I did the math and I still couldn't figure out how it was going to work. It just didn't add it—it just didn't make sense. So,  I decided to pray, a choice I knew was the right one to make.

While I was pregnant with my son I was also in  graduate school working on a Master’s degree in Clinical Counseling, working full-time and operating my self-established makeup artistry business. I was busy.  And for some reason, probably because I had no idea what life would be like as a mother, I thought I would be able to keep up the pace after having my son—and maintain my sanity. I thought I would be able to stay home, be fully present in my marriage,  maintain a clean home, cook three elaborate meals a day,breast feed,  play/entertain/engage with my son all while continuing my work on my Master’s Degree and maintain my makeup artistry business. I knew I wouldn't maintain my full-time job, but I had plans to continue working in my business—just slow down a bit. I had a plan in my mind as to what life would be like. Then, I gave birth to my beautiful son and EVERYTHING changed.

It’s amazing how life is suddenly completely different once you become a mother. My son was a demanding baby that craved one-on-one contact and if he wasn't snuggled in our arms, then he wasn't content. I breastfed him for nearly 13 months and it was quite the bumpy ride, at least for the first couple months. But, I still went back to school. I was so determined to not give up on MY agenda—MY plan. And even though, through prayer God provided a way for me to stay home with my son, I still attempted to load my plate with several unrealistic tasks.  I was willing to do whatever necessary to achieve MY agenda. I wanted it all and I was willing to work for it, but at a cost.

Come back tomorrow for part two. 

Pray about it

You and I both know that life is full of opportunities to shout out, “ahhh!” 

There are so many things that can happen in the course of a day that we can feel completely exhausted by the time our head hits the pillow. 

Life can be hectic.

Life can be hard. 

Life is unpredictable. 

Life is a collaboration of many pieces that join together one day at a time. 

Life is beautiful.

Life is powerful. 

Life is precious. 

And, those pieces that come together moment by moment and form memories that are forever ingrained in us are the connections that bring us closer to God. Yet, sometimes those memories are moments we would prefer to forget, in fact we may even wish they never happened. How do we move beyond the hurt and towards the healing? 

Sometimes we hold on too tightly to the very things we need to let go in order to experience our healing. Can the wound that the snake is causing in my hand ever heal if I never let the snake go? It keeps biting, yet for some reason I can't and won't let it go. Some people explain that pain is the only thing that makes them feel alive. But, I say that pain and life coexist so that we may never forget that this is not our home. We do not want to get too comfortable here on earth, we are not here to stay. One day will be our last day and at that moment when we look back over our life we will want to find a stack of beautiful memories. 

But we all know that we will die one day, yet we still live as if tomorrow has a money-back guarantee. If we knew today was meant to be unlike any other, what would we do differently?  Would we let go of the hang-ups, step out of the past, choose to forgive, choose to love? Yet today is unlike any other day, there will never be another one quite like it, so what can you do to make it brand new?  Are you struggling today? Have you lost hope and are afraid to search for it again? Are you pressing repeat on past experiences of pain and regret. Are you hitting rewind to replay the moments that you would just like to forget? 

If you answered yes to any of those questions, then this message is just for you.

When is the last time you actually prayed about it?
No, really prayed about. I believe in the power of prayer and I believe there is power in speaking your prayer out loud. There’s something about hearing the very things that you are saying to the Lord. It is as if saying them confirms something inside of us. I know there are exceptions to this, but if you are able to speak and hear, then you will soon find the power in taking your prayer from your thoughts and to your lips.  The words don’t have to be fancy, they don’t have to even make sense to anyone, as long as they come from your heart. 

God already knows what you are going to think before you think it and before you say it, so He is not surprised by your words, therefore speaking life over your situation strengthens you. Making your petition before the lord audible builds your faith. Rebuking the strongholds of the enemy helps you exercise the power you have in Christ Jesus. Professing God’s goodness takes your thoughts off of the current situation and reminds you of God’s faithfulness—it builds trust between you and the Father. Prayer is our access to the Father, without it we are disconnected.

Prayer doesn't have to be long or formal. We can pray ourselves through any situation. Prayer connects us with the God that created the universe, the one who said let there be light and there was light—our God is able to do anything, because he is God! He has no limits, no boundaries, nothing holding Him back. So, don’t put restraints on our God. There’s nothing He can’t do, except fail. He cannot fail you and will not. Keep praying about it and while you are waiting to hear from God, waiting for a miracle, waiting for God to move on your behalf; praise Him, worship Him, seek Him, and obey Him--just never stop praying. 

I call this success

We live in a culture that worships and celebrates success. We chase after success like it is the only thing that matters at times. We want success in every aspect of our lives and sometimes we are willing to do anything to have it.

We study hard to get A’s--that’s success.

We work hard in our careers to obtain raises, promotions and accolades—that’s success.

We find a good mate, get married and have children—that’s also success.

We set goals and achieve goals, because that too is success.

We can become obsessed with success. 

But, not just any kind of success, no we strive for the success that we can measure, it must be tangible.

Our culture craves success that is measurable. We like to see the progress and we want to be able to size it up to determine if it is a success or fail.  That just may be the reason why losing weight in the early stages is so hard to commit to because all the sweat and hard-work are not measurable for weeks later.

A few years ago, I by the American culture definition could be considered to be pretty successful. I have a Bachelor’s degree, I had a nice job, owned a business, a home and two cars. We belonged to a great church, had great friends and were able to pay all our bills with extra money left over for fun.  We had measurable success and it felt great. Then, we decided we wanted to grow our family by having our first child. We got pregnant with our son, I decided to stay home and I gradually found myself searching for measurable success. So, when I decided to trade in my research papers and grad school exams for baby wipes and nursing bras, I struggled with measuring my success. Many things that I had used to define my success were no longer apart of my life. I struggled with defining my worth as a woman, I knew there was more  to me than being a wife and mother, but was I still successful?  How could I define success?

I didn't receive any fancy letters behind my name after weaning my, at the time, 13 month old son from breast-feeding, although with the experience we had,  I surely thought I deserved an award.  I never received any special recognition for being able to carry a very heavy-sleeping three year old boy in one arm and a chunky 5-month old baby girl in a car seat at the same time up two flights of stairs.  No, I don’t have a degree in bottom wiping with a minor in diaper changing in the car. I don’t receive a raise every year for good performance, showing up on time, and for never taking a sick day. I don’t get any promotions for discovering new ways to feed my family healthy-wholesome, yet delicious meals.  I certainly don’t get a bonus for spending quality time with my children by singing worship songs or reading funny books.

As a full-time stay at home wife and mother of two beautiful children, I stay up late and  sometimes get-up through the night to care for my little ones—no overtime pay here. So, how exactly do I measure this success? How do I determine if what I do is of any value? I struggled with this for a while, because it is very easy to feel like our daily activities as mothers, whether we stay home, work from home, work full-time or part-time outside the home, do not measure up to anything  worthy of the name: success.  Are we no longer successful? I think we know the answer  to that, but just in case you're wondering: heck ya! We are extremely successful! But just how do we measure our success in a world that craves tangible and measurable results? How do you measure a giggly-happy baby or a playful-curious preschooler?

We certainly don't do it in any conventional method.

We measure our success by the bond and connection we have with our families. Do we truly show love and support to one another? Do we look forward to spending time together? We measure our success by our children being able to have confidence in knowing that they are loved. We do not measure our success by our children’s misbehavior—they aren’t perfect and it isn’t our job to create perfect human beings. Instead, we measure our success by the satisfaction we get from knowing we are doing our best and that our best is good enough.

 If I never obtain my Master’s degree, but instead I am able to be fully committed to being a woman of faith and  loving & caring for my family and community, then I measure that as success. I have realized that I don’t need a high-paying job, a closet loaded with clothes & shoes, a mansion, luxury cars, and fancy letters behind my name to be successful. And while all of those things can be great, but for me they do not define my success. For me, living a life that is pleasing to God is what I define as success. So, however that may look for you is not necessarily how it will look for anyone else, but as long as we are chasing after God and not chasing after things or people, then we can be extremely successful.

My success for today:  Knowing that when I prayed for my friends in our bible study that I could really feel the presence of the Holy Spirit.  And being able to type with one hand while nursing my daughter with the other, talk about multi-tasking. (this was written 5 months ago)

What did you expect PART 2

We have to decide that we will not and cannot design expectations for anyone and then measure their actions accordingly. Our expectations are a figment of our imaginations. And just as no one can hear our thoughts, they certainly can not hear our unspoken needs & request: expectations. So what are we to do? Does it possibly seem unnatural to spell out in plain language what we need in our relationships? I say, no it is not unnatural, in fact it is crucial to the survival of a healthy relationship.

We do not have to repeatedly spell out our needs at every given moment and opportunity and we must not be solely concerned with our needs being fulfilled. And even in an instance when our needs are not being met, it is imperative that we continue to strive to uncover and meet the needs of the other. Love is not fair. It does not give what the other deserves, instead it gives what the other needs. Sometimes that's forgiveness, compassion, mercy, grace, time, respect or all of the above. Any relationship worth having is a relationship worth preserving. We must preserve our relationships by engaging in on-going healthy communication.

So, maybe the next time you open up and share a piece of yourself be certain to share what you need, whether that be compassion, advice, confidentiality and so on. We all need something and even if we don't know what that something is, we can be honest and say just that too. Maybe we need them to help us figure that something out.  Maybe we just need that person to be present, share the burden with us for a moment, because it is weighing so heavy on us. Sometimes we become so weak and so discouraged that we can't even pray for ourselves and it is in those moments that we must know and trust that we have someone in this world that can help us up when we fall. Someone to help us turn back to God and to remind us to caste all our cares on Him. Someone to remind us that God is faithful and that He will never leave us. Someone to remind us that we are human, we make mistakes and God never stops loving us no matter how many mistakes we make. Someone to remind us that it is all going to be alright. Someone to be there with us as we cry, scream and shout. Someone to listen to us as we shine light on our darkness and to meet us with love and  compassion. Someone to be the hands and feet of Jesus. Someone to say, "I am here for you, I care for you", and to really mean it.

Are you that person for someone?

Has someone been that  person for you?

Have you realized that you set unspoken expectations on someone for reasons such as: they are suppose to know how I feel, they should know how I feel, I shouldn't have to tell them what I need, I've told them before, they know what I need, or anything familiar to this?

All of these statements and ones similar create barriers in our relationships and often initiate the cycle of unmet needs, disappointment and frustrations. Our relationships suffer from the aftermath of the damage that these barriers initiate and we are often left feeling hurt and confused with how to move forward. We may wonder if the person really cares about us, understands us or even worse, if the person loves us. But this does not have to happen as often as it does in many relationships if we would simply engage in on-going healthy communication.

We have to be committed to sharing our needs and to listening to the needs of others. We can not rely on body language, past patterns of behavior or even last year's needs assessment, we must stay current and up-to-date with what we need from one another and how we can provide the needs of others. Sometimes we may discover that our needs and expectations are not suitable or realistic, thus we must communicate how we need to adjust them in a way that both feel satisfied. This is why I emphasize the importance on-going communication. We have to understand that as we grow and experience life what we need in our relationships may and will change, and it is our responsibility to communicate those needs openly and honestly. And we may be unaware of the change until we begin to evaluate how we are experiencing life and that's okay too. The point is we have to be committed to communication. We cannot risk our relationships by engaging in assumptions, unspoken request and expectations and the withholding of ourselves.

You deserve better and so does your relationship.

Is there a relationship in your life that has an unhealed wound from failed expectations?  What are you doing to heal the pain? Have you decided that the relationship deserves better, more open and honest communication?

How do you engage in on-going open, honest and clear communication in your relationships?

What did you expect Part 1

When we reveal a struggle, an issue or a area in our lives that is broken, damaged or bruised we have to be careful about what we expect from people. We may imagine that something so fragile and meaningful to us would be handled with extreme care and sensitivity by others, but it is our imagination and unspoken needs that fail us time and time again.  Our imagination may be getting the best of us in our relationships,  because our imagination and unspoken needs are getting in the way of open and honest communication.

Our imagination and pride are creating limitations and unhealthy barriers in our relationships. People often want to be there for us, care for us and be what we need but because we don't communicate those needs in open and honest dialogue, our needs are not being met and we are left with an overwhelming feeling of disappointment and frustration. We simply are not giving others the opportunity to give us what we need. We play a vital role in ensuring that in our relationships our needs are heard and met and that goes for the needs of the other person in the relationship too.

If we give a piece of ourselves to someone and expect them to treat it a certain way without sharing what we expect, then we are doing ourselves and that person a disservice. Frustration, the result of failed expectations, is inevitable but possibly avoidable if open, honest and clear communication is initiated, established and thoroughly maintained.

When someone mishandles our pain, disregards the sensitive nature of our hurt and fumbles our emotions it creates a wound that aches--I know because, I've found myself aching far too many times. Yet, we often want to give most, if not all of the blame and accountability to the offender. But, sometimes, dare I say, oftentimes that is not an accurate assignment of accountability. Some of it is on us. Yes, sometimes we are equally if not more responsible for the pain that we allow others to direct into our lives.

We have to be advocates for healthy communication, which can be challenging, painful and sometimes dreadful. But, when communication is avoided or not employed properly the price we pay is often too steep.

When is the last time you engaged in open, honest and clear communication with someone about what you need in the relationship? I know I don't do this all of the time in my relationships, but I usually feel it later, like the pain in my muscles after a well-overdue intense workout. I feel it when that person says something or does something that they probably would not have said or done if I had shared with them what I needed. This is not to say that if we share with people what we need that we can expect our needs to be met fully and accurately all of the time and if not, then it is their fault and not ours because we engaged in clear, open and honest communication. People will always stumble and make mistakes, we are not designed to operate in perfection or exist void of flaws or mistakes, but when we mess up we must remember to extend grace and mercy.  Mistakes and the hurt that accompanies them are unavoidable in life, but I'm not concerned with those instances at this moment. Instead I'm talking about the hurt that results from failed unspoken expectations placed on someone that is unaware of our needs and/or how to meet them in a relationship.

Unless we directly explain in a clear conversation in which both parties come to a mutual understanding of what is needed and expected from the other in the relationship, then we can not assign all of the blame to a person for failing to meet our unspoken expectations. That's like being upset with a waitress for not bringing the meal you didn't order. She gave you the menu and you handed it back to her expecting her to read your mind and to know exactly what you wanted to eat, simply because you want her to know or she should know.This may sound absurd, but we often do this in our relationships. We make a lot of assumptions and establish a lot of expectations that stand as barriers, blocking the flow of the genuine intimacy and the richness that a our relationships crave.

So, what do we do about this? How do we clear up the murky waters of communication and preserve our relationships?

Come back tomorrow for part 2 as I discuss this further.

Where have you been???

What do you get when you combine a 3yr old boy and a curious baby with a very fragile piece of technology??? You get a broken laptop that has been out of commission for nearly three months.
 Not fun. Not cool. Real life. Lesson learned.

I have been wanting to write and say so many things, but this little hiccup put things on pause for a moment. There was one frustration after another, but soon my laptop will be up and running soon. I couldn't even post from my phone for some odd reason. I guess blogger is not compatible with my device.

I have some new post coming up and I'm looking forward to connecting with everyone again!

Have a great weekend.  See you next week! :)

Give love: 10 Day "Give Love" Challenge

Today, one of my besties unknowingly surprised me with the inspiration for this 10 Day"Give Love" Challenge.

Allow me to give you the back-story to this before I explain the challenge to you. A few months ago, while at a mommies group I commented on a friends necklace and asked could I have it;  but not really meaning it, in fact I do that to my friends when I like something they have, but I never expect them to actually give it to me, nor am I really asking for it--just joking. But, she surprised me. She took it off and put it over my head. There it was sparkling as it draped from my neck. She took it off her humble body and gave it to me, right then and there with no hesitation. I was amazed, but I tried to give it back to her. She insisted that I take it. She wouldn't let me walk away without it, even though I really tried giving it back to her. Then, the following week she gave me the matching earrings. I'll never forget it and I think about it everytime I wear the necklace.

So, fast-forward to today and you'll begin to see where I'm going with this. One of my besties commented a few different times on how much she liked the necklace I was wearing today and she jokingly told me she wanted it (she was present on that day my friend, mentioned above, gave me her necklace), but I wasn't so quick to give it up. Then, after she teased me a little more, I reluctantly said, "Ohhh, okay," as I took it off and gave it to her. Then, she went on to explain that she didn't want it, if I didn't really want to give it to her. She was still holding on to it in her hand, but I wasn't sure that I really wanted to give it to her. And now that I think about it more, I realize that I was giving it to her grudgingly and I surely was not being a cheerful giver:  2 Corinthians 9:6-7 Now this I say, he who sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and he who sows bountifully will also reap bountifully. Each one must do just as he has purposed in his heart, not grudgingly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.

And even though she was kidding around and really didn't necessarily expect or want me to give her the necklace, it still taught me a lesson on love and giving.

Besides, who really wants something from someone if they know the person doesn't really want to give it to them. It doesn't feel good and it shouldn't.  Although, she may not have really wanted the necklace, but she definitely only wanted it if I were to give it to her out of love--not out of obligation, guilt or compulsion.

Yet, I thought about how much I liked the necklace and how I didn't really want to give it up. So, I asked for it back. Shame. Don't judge me.

And she did. She gave it back.

Then, she went on the tell me that love is sacrificial (in a jokingly and lovingly manner--though there's so much truth in that) and that's when I realized it. So, I took the necklace off my neck, again, and chased her around the kitchen trying to give it back to her. I nearly choked her by trying to forcefully put it around her neck. It was a lovingly choke. Not, an  "I hate you"-choke. There's a difference.

I finally forced her to take it by placing it in her purse. Ha! I won. And guess what the necklace spelled out in cute, small little blocks: L-O-V-E.  Sounds cute, right?

So, when I came home and started writing, I thought more and more what she said and I agreed: she was right: love IS sacrificial. And it's something God must be trying to teach me a little more about, because a couple days ago,  I read a devotional about love. It explained  the same thing she said: Love is sacrificial. It's not really love if we do it out of obligation, in response to a kind act or in an effort to gain control.

And here, the Bible illustrates the true meaning of love:

1 Corinthians 13:4-8 4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues,they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

So, I hope you will consider joining me in this 10 Day "Give Love" Challenge. Here it is...

10 Day "Give Love" Challenge
First: Spend a moment in prayer asking God to help you to think of those in your life that could use an expression of your love. Spend time asking God to guide you to the hearts of those that will receive it and be blessed by it.
Then...
1. Make a list of the FIRST 10 people that come to mind. (Don't think long and hard, just write their names)
2. Next to each name list something you can give them that would be a sacrifice for you, but an expression of love.
3. For the next 10 days pick one person and do what you wrote next to his or her name. By the end of the 10 days you should have "given love" to all 10 people on your list.

For example:

1. Joe: Wash his car

2. Fran: Bring she and the family dinner 

3. Dan: Bring him a cup of his favorite coffee 

4. Ashley: Give her those shoes of mine that she compliments me on everytime I wear them

5. Kim: Offer to come over and watch the kids while she takes care of errands

6. Heather: Bring her a homemade batch of cookies

7. George: Walk his dog one night this week

8. Donna: Offer to come over and help her re-organize her kitchen

9. Phil: Pay one of his utility bills

10: Jenna: Take her out for a cup of coffee and conversation

These examples are just a few ideas of things you can do to express love, but remember for this challenge it must be a sacrifice, big or small. And remember love is an action, not a feeling. Thus, it may mean that for the next 10 days, you may not be able to spend your money or your time in ways in which you normally would do, but you will be blessing someone as a result of it. A very wise mother once told me, " You can't out give God," and that is so true. So, as you are giving love to someone remember that it is an offering of praise to God!

I plan to share my experience of this challenge with you, so please feel free to share yours. And if you have a friend that you think would love this challenge, please share it with them. We all need love...so why not share it! 

I don't like her

After having my second child (June, 2013), the Lord guided  me on a journey of deeper and richer self-discovery. He allowed me to understand some things about myself that have opened my eyes and have given me a better perspective. While doing what many people refer to as, "soul-searching", I discovered some realities that were painful to uncover, yet necessary.

So I started digging, beyond the layers of false personas and exhausting smiley faces and I found this little girl hiding within me. I examined her and discovered she was nothing like me, at least the me I am aspiring to be. She’s filled with fear. She’s loaded down with insecurities and burdened by the pursuit of perfection. I don’t like her. Yet, for so long she has been such a real part of me. I've given so much power to this little girl, enough to allow her to even dictate my actions and decisions. I don’t like her, yet I listened to her. She’s afraid of everything, because that’s what she has been taught to be.  She has learned early to not trust anyone, don’t let people in and always be on guard. She’s afraid of everything.

 I don’t like her.

I found her hiding in the deep dark corners of myself. I found her through searching for answers of how I got to the place of clouded judgment and an anxiety stricken mind. I found her while searching for an explanation for the constant and persistent vivid and powerfully real images that plagued my mind all day. I found her while trying to medicate her with natural remedies, self-help books, devotions, scriptures, and journals. I found her while searching for a reason to live, a reason to carry-on with life. 

I found her and I don’t like her, but  for so long I thought I needed her.

I gave her the incapable task of protecting me from everything that she so intensely and specifically fears. I needed her to think of everything and to think of strategies to cope.

I don’t like her, but I lived with her for too long.  I can’t get rid of her; she is such a real part of me. Who am I without her? These were my thoughts when I found her, but soon I realized I could never be more unless I let her go. She had to go, no longer was she welcome. 

A while ago, one of my best friends was reading a book that made a very profound declaration: The old self will fight the new self. The old self will die hard.  This assertion is rooted in Biblical truth, (Galatians 5:17) and it couldn't be a more accurate statement to describe what I was going through. I believe that when you are deciding to let go of your past, let go of your habits, let go of the person hiding inside of you and embrace the new self, the one that is fully operating in the Holy Spirit, the old self is going to give you a fight. It won't be easy. It will be a battle, and the battle doesn't stop. There's an on-going battle going on with the spirit and the flesh, but the good news: God is on our side. The good thing is I don’t have to fight alone; in fact, this battle is not mine. I just have to surrender, yet for me, that was the hard part.  

My perspective of what totally surrendering to God actually means has shifted. I understand that totally surrendering to God means I fully trust God. It means I know deep down inside that He is working things out for my behalf. I used to believe the lie that was rooted in fear: trusting God means this or that bad thing will happen. So, the old me cried out, “don’t trust God, instead continue to hold on to that false sense of security that keeps you from growing closer to God. Because being too close to God means this or that and you don’t want this or that. So, get close enough to know Him, but nothing more.” The old me failed to understand that regardless of what I do, nothing catches God by surprise. He is sovereign and in control, not me. He guides me and protects me. Trusting God means that I do not have to live a life coated in worry, fear and anxiety, but that I can be free. Free from the bondage that many of us struggle with daily. We are free, when we accept Christ we are made free (Galatians 5:1).

Let's Pray together:
Dear Heavenly Father, Thank you for sending your son Jesus Christ to die for me so that I may be reconciled with you and be made free. I ask that you will forgive me for refusing to operate fully in that freedom and for believing the lies that I've been told. I ask that you will help me to deny my fleshly desires and to submit my will and my life to you-daily. I pray that you will place people in my life that will encourage me as I continue on walk with you. I desire to be closer to you and sometimes it is hard to see beyond my circumstances. So, I ask that you will help me to keep my eyes on you. May you help me to uncover anything that I may be hiding from you or that I may be doing that is not glorifying you. May you help me to give those things to you and never retrieve them again. In Jesus name, Amen.

Let's Reflect:
Have you embarked of on a journey of deeper and richer self-discovery? What has God revealed to you?
Do you have any habits, beliefs, thoughts, behaviors and perspectives that are contrary to the Word of God? Ask God to help you to uncover anything that does not glorify Him.

Let's live out our faith: If you prayed the above prayer and God revealed anything in your life that does not glorify Him, then ask God to help you identify how you may rid your life of whatever does not reflect His love. If God placed a person on your heart, consider spending time praying for that person and reach out to them to let them know you are lifting them up in prayer.

Did this reading bless you today? If so, please share it with a friend.

You are not alone

There’s someone out there that needs to hear your story. 

You have a voice. 

You have a testimony.

You can share it.

You must share it.

There's someone out there that needs to hear your story, my story and for that reason, I WRITE. 

There is someone, not just anyone, but someone that God wants to speak to through these keystrokes that press on these letters to form these words that string along into these sentences that transcribe into a story, my story.

My Story. 

One that is close enough, possibly too close for comfort, yet real. 

My story, sounds maybe just like your story, and through me, He get's all of the glory. 

My Story.

One that is possibly close enough to feel real. One that is raw, unfiltered and transparent. One that denies the protection of the walls crafted to hide me from pain. One that cries out in the darkness and proclaims, "you are not alone.”

One day as I was laying in my bed, I heard God speak gently to my spirit:  “you are not alone” and at the time I thought of someone that God wanted me to share that with, so I did. But, that person didn't quite know what I was talking about. So, then I wondered, was that for me? It's possible that God was telling me, “you are not alone” for me and for you. 

You.

The one reading this hoping there’s someone out there that possibly understands. 

Someone out there that understands what you're going through.

Another living being that understands the pain, the hurt and the constant heaviness of the unrelenting depression. 

Someone that understands that depression is not a feeling, but an illness. 

Someone that understands that you do not wish, desire or want to wake up every day craving to experience the healing--the peace, the joy and yet fall flat on your face time after time. 

Someone that understands that there's so many misconceptions about what you're experiencing that it is much easier to pretend that "everything is okay", or hide because, "everything is not okay."

You are not alone.

You have come this far and will journey much further, one day at time.

You are not alone.

But, wait. Maybe you don't struggle with depression and just maybe you struggle with something else. Maybe your struggle is private, only for you and God to see. Or, maybe your struggle is obvious and anyone that pays attention long enough can see the destruction. Maybe, your story is not my story. Yet, we all have a story.

My story may not sound like your story, but my story has the same theme of any testimony: God's grace is sufficient, God is control; able to do more than I can ever imagine or think and God loves me.

So, what's your story?
You have a story.
You have a voice.
You have a testimony.
You must share it.

And this is why I share my story.

But, maybe my story makes you a little uncomfortable, maybe you aren't ready to admit that what you are experiencing is actually happening to you. Maybe you are afraid to acknowledge the pain in your life and the affect it is having on you. So, maybe my story is too real for you. Yet, God told me to write and it was because He knew what my writing would do for me and for you. 

Through these words I am allowed to experience a moment with God that is not like any other. I am able to put words into sentences that minister to me and to you. 

So, maybe my story isn't your story. But just in case my story sounds a little like your story, don't run from this moment and this opportunity to admit that this moment in your life is real. This painful experience of post postpartum depression/anxiety is not a figment of your imagination. And yes, you want it all to just go away. You want to feel and be normal again. Yes, you want your life back. I know. I'm here, too, right here with you. But, what is normal? And for me, I don't want my life back. I want the life that God desires for me to have. I wouldn't take my life back, even if I could. I want the abundant life that Christ died on the cross for me to have. That's the one I'm pursuing and striving towards experiencing, everyday. 

You are here and so am I. And I am here to tell you:  “you are not alone.”

I know what it feels like to wake up every morning in pain that words can't describe. I know what it feels like to lose all, but just enough hope to hang on. I know. I've been there and I know. I know you feel like no one cares or hears your cries at night. And that  no one understands how incredibly lonely and disconnected you feel even in a room filled with people. I know. And "you are not alone"

I'm not hear to sugar coat it for you and to make it sound pretty and nice. Depression is ugly, destructive and anything but delightful. I'm not going to pretend that I have all of the answers or that I am at a place in my life that post postpartum depression/anxiety is well behind me. It is not and some days are better than others. But, I know one thing for certain, "you are not alone". 

God is always with you. He is omnipresent. We are never alone. 

So, as I continue to write about the things that God beats through my heart, you will read the words that will penetrate your heart, in a way that speaks so uniquely to you that you will be most compelled to acknowledge the hand of God moving on your behalf.  Not every word will touch you, or move you, but when God speaks to you it will be real to you.

I write, because I know without a doubt God is using my words as His tools to manifest healing in broken hearts. 

I write for me, I write for you and I write for God. 

So, that day that God spoke to me and said, “you are not alone”, it was for me and for you.

Let's pray together:

Heavenly Father, I am so thankful for your persistence. Thank you for always pursuing me and and for never giving up on me. I am so thankful that you gave me the promise in your word that you will never leave me or forsake me and I find peace in that truth. I thank you that I am never alone because I always have you. I ask that you will help me to remember this truth on my darkest days. And God, when I feel the weight of the pressures and the cares of the world weighing down on me will you help me to know that I can cast all my cares on you. And God, when I fall and can't find the strength to get up, will you carry me. God, I thank you for this day and this moment right here. In Jesus name, Amen!

Let's Reflect:

Have you ever felt alone?

What situation(s) in your life is God trying to speak to you: "you're not alone"

Let's Live Out Our Faith:

Take a moment and pray about someone that you know is struggling. Spend time lifting he/she up in prayer and reach out to him/her letting him/her know you care and that you are praying for him/her. 

Did this bless you today? If so, please share it with a friend.

If you struggle with any form of mental illness please consider seeking the help of a licensed professional. Talk to your doctor. You don't have to suffer.