When I went back to school for the first semester after having my son the harsh reality of the balancing act of life, family,school and work slapped me in the face. And because I’m the type of student that weighs anything less than an A as unsatisfactory, I forced myself to uphold these self-established standards of success, even though life was completely different for me now. My picture of what life was suppose to be like after having a baby was vastly different than my reality and I soon realized that my little fantasy world was falling apart and so was I.
I knew I had to make another choice. I knew that I had to decide if I was willing to pay the cost necessary to have it all. Was I willing to let something go to grasp a hold of MY plan and my agenda? Was I willing to sacrifice me being an active part of my child's precious childhood for MY pursuit of happiness? Was I willing to miss watching him grow up while being engrossed with my landmark achievements? I knew that the road I was on was not going to allow enough room for me to be the type of mother I desired to be, so I knew I had to make a choice: what do I give up in order to gain back my family and my sanity. Something had to give and it couldn't be my family.
Some women are able to balance life, family, work and all their commitments just fine and remain sane, but I wasn't one of those women, and I still am not. I applaud every woman that figures out how to keep all the areas in her life balanced, because it is not easy and it is a daily task that involves frequent reevaluation. I know for me that my balancing act was failing and I had to make a choice. But, even after I decided that I would pursue my Master's degree at another time in my life and that my business would have to wait, I still continued on my journey of trying to obtain achievement. I was trying to satisfy the fleshly craving to be validated by tangible accomplishments, thus the drive for success and perfection fed this craving. Yet, I was never satisfied. I understand now that the flesh will crave things that glorify man while the soul will crave what glorifies God. And the more I feed my soul the less influence I can allow my flesh to have over my life.
And even though I decided to put my Master’s degree on hold and set my business aside for a several months, because I realized those things could wait and that my son wouldn't, yet I was still trying to achieve something, just as I was before: perfection. And in my pursuit of perfection I was crumbling to pieces. I was stressed. I was suffering from postpartum depression and anxiety and life was zooming right by. And though I enjoyed many, many, many amazing moments, I endured many dark and painful ones too. I had a lot of moments where I felt like I was not measuring up and I allowed my self-established standards to hold me captive, and when I missed the mark (which I did quite often because the standards were so unattainable), I felt defeated. I set myself up to lose, but I didn't realize it.
Children grow up so fast and I know everyone says that, but I didn't get it at first. I didn't realize that I would look back on the first year of my son’s life and cry because I was trying to be too much—perfection was my pursuit. I went from trying to achieving business and educational goals to winning wife and mother of year. I was trying to please myself, my husband, my son and impress everyone else, yet I failed to notice that all my efforts were meaningless if God was not at the center.
I can be the first to admit that I love God, but I wanted to keep the power of the Holy spirit contained. I wanted God to have His way in me, but only to a certain extent. But, because God is who He says He is, He didn't allow me to stay in this place of misguided devotion. As I grew in my faith and as I realized that I was chasing things and not God, God helped me gain a new perspective. I understand now that the pursuit for perfection defined by worldly standards is a quest that will lead to a frequent disappointment, frustration and despair. Yet a pursuit of a life-long healthy and thriving relationship with the Father will lead to an abundant-fulling life. We gain so much by being in a relation with God. A loving relationship with God is how I learn to love others and how to live an abundant life, a devotion to serving God and honoring Him with my life is truly living.
And I don't hit the mark every day or every hour, I still have to keep my fleshly desires of perfection in check. It's hard for me because I'm so driven, but this driven nature is what keeps me close to God. I know that I am right where God wants me to be and I am so thankful. And yes, I find myself drifting back to my old perfectionist-mindset, almost daily, yet I can easily identify it and shift my perspective. This is not the case in every area of my life and we will talk about that later, but I'm just so thankful that God is so tender and patient, because I will never be perfect and God tells me that He loves me each and every day. That's enough for me, that more than enough.
So, how did I get to this place? I finally grew tired. I grew tired of thinking I needed to be perfect all time and to everyone. It’s exhausting and unrealistic. God doesn't require it and neither should I. I’m letting go of my ridiculous expectations one-by-one. It’s a painful process at times. It’s requiring me to dig deep and to surrender it all. It’s requiring me to measure all of my ambitions, my goals and dreams to God’s will and not my self-established standards. And because I want to be completely devoted in my marriage, because I don’t want to look back on my children’s lives through teary eyes of regret, because I want a life that mirrors the one God designed for me, because I want to honor God with my life, I’m choosing to let these worldly standards go. I'm choosing to be free of the bondage. I'm choosing God, so I choose freedom.
My choices and my path are different than yours and your family, but the key is for all of us to evaluate our walk and determine if we are aligning our path with the one God is calling us to follow.
As long as I’m still breathing—it’s not too late.
As long as your heart is still beating and you have a desire to chase God—it’s not too late.
Do you feel like your balancing act is stumbling? Are there things on your agenda and in your life plan that do not align with God's will? Have you sought God for guidance? Are you waiting for confirmation in an area in your life that you need to hear from God before you can make a move?
God wants to meet you just where you are. Go to Him today and ask Him to reveal His plan for you and to help you to see it clearly, one moment at a time. Ask God to help you to align your heart's desires with His will for your life.
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