Our imagination and pride are creating limitations and unhealthy barriers in our relationships. People often want to be there for us, care for us and be what we need but because we don't communicate those needs in open and honest dialogue, our needs are not being met and we are left with an overwhelming feeling of disappointment and frustration. We simply are not giving others the opportunity to give us what we need. We play a vital role in ensuring that in our relationships our needs are heard and met and that goes for the needs of the other person in the relationship too.
If we give a piece of ourselves to someone and expect them to treat it a certain way without sharing what we expect, then we are doing ourselves and that person a disservice. Frustration, the result of failed expectations, is inevitable but possibly avoidable if open, honest and clear communication is initiated, established and thoroughly maintained.
When someone mishandles our pain, disregards the sensitive nature of our hurt and fumbles our emotions it creates a wound that aches--I know because, I've found myself aching far too many times. Yet, we often want to give most, if not all of the blame and accountability to the offender. But, sometimes, dare I say, oftentimes that is not an accurate assignment of accountability. Some of it is on us. Yes, sometimes we are equally if not more responsible for the pain that we allow others to direct into our lives.
We have to be advocates for healthy communication, which can be challenging, painful and sometimes dreadful. But, when communication is avoided or not employed properly the price we pay is often too steep.
When is the last time you engaged in open, honest and clear communication with someone about what you need in the relationship? I know I don't do this all of the time in my relationships, but I usually feel it later, like the pain in my muscles after a well-overdue intense workout. I feel it when that person says something or does something that they probably would not have said or done if I had shared with them what I needed. This is not to say that if we share with people what we need that we can expect our needs to be met fully and accurately all of the time and if not, then it is their fault and not ours because we engaged in clear, open and honest communication. People will always stumble and make mistakes, we are not designed to operate in perfection or exist void of flaws or mistakes, but when we mess up we must remember to extend grace and mercy. Mistakes and the hurt that accompanies them are unavoidable in life, but I'm not concerned with those instances at this moment. Instead I'm talking about the hurt that results from failed unspoken expectations placed on someone that is unaware of our needs and/or how to meet them in a relationship.
Unless we directly explain in a clear conversation in which both parties come to a mutual understanding of what is needed and expected from the other in the relationship, then we can not assign all of the blame to a person for failing to meet our unspoken expectations. That's like being upset with a waitress for not bringing the meal you didn't order. She gave you the menu and you handed it back to her expecting her to read your mind and to know exactly what you wanted to eat, simply because you want her to know or she should know.This may sound absurd, but we often do this in our relationships. We make a lot of assumptions and establish a lot of expectations that stand as barriers, blocking the flow of the genuine intimacy and the richness that a our relationships crave.
So, what do we do about this? How do we clear up the murky waters of communication and preserve our relationships?
Come back tomorrow for part 2 as I discuss this further.
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